I must admit I do have a love for writing. For the past 2 months, that itch has been satiated by writing long, 2000 word emails to different people and has thus resulted in my blog being neglected like how a cat treats its owner. 

However, I figure it's time to use this desire to write to help me get through the issues of self-motivation. Right now I'm in day 32 of 60 of my cardio workout plan. Well, it's not mine, it's called 'Insanity' and boy does it live up to its name. It requires me to do cardio exercises 6 days a week and each session is between 45 minutes to an hour.

It's been a tough 32 days so far, and for a variety of reasons. Not least of which is the fact that it takes a lot of energy to just do cardio workouts 6 days a week and to top it off, my exams aren't too far off. Trying to find that balance of exercise, sports, leisure and time off to just catch up with friends is difficult and I fear it might effect my exam. 

Which is horrendous since my flight back to Malaysia is scheduled for the day before my exam results are released. And my keen observation of the human psyche has taught me that the other passengers on the plane, pilot notwithstanding, might not be too happy about having to turn the flight around to facilitate me having to resit he exam.

The program has its fair number of plyometric exercises which involves squats, jumps and hops. While this is painful enough on its own, my defective knee (my kneecaps are too high and the ligaments around it congenitally loose, which causes the kneecap to move around too much) which is prone to inflammation makes me feel like just quitting on some days. I had to take a week off halfway through the 4th week because my right knee started hurting. I've since resumed but it still hurts and I'm doing my best to fight through the pain when needed while trying to persevere through.

It's difficult to motivate myself to get through this. I'm about to go into phase 2 of the training which is supposed to amp up the difficulty and it already feels like the best thing to do is just stop and do something less intensive. Gotta trudge on though. I suppose the hardest part of convincing myself to keep going is that I have no reason for starting this in the first place. Just started 5 weeks ago because I 'felt like challenging myself'. And form that statement I made a commitment. 

Sure it's one I made to myself and no one'll know or really care if I break a promise to myself, which is why I'm writing about it. Perhaps I'll hold myself accountable to anyone reading this and a month from now i'll be able to say I got through it (and another month after that, relay the information that I actually passed my exams!)

Kuhanesh 

There's a certain amount of joy in learning new things. Yet it's easy to get swallowed up by the promise of success and not fully realize the difficulty of picking up something you're not used to. 

One of the things I can't do is sew. So last year, on a whim, I decided to learn just that in order to make a stuffed toy (amongst other things) for a friend's birthday and I didn't have much time to do it. It took a few hours of scouring the internet to learn how to make a little stuffed panda but when I finally tried it, I realized I was a little lost.

Fortunately, another friend was kind enough to teach me how it's done and after a quick tutorial I set off in my attempt to make a stuffed toy. There was many complications though, chief of which being my incompetence. Plus a lot of improvisation was needed, such as the sacrificial pillow bought from IKEA which I brutally slaughtered in order to obtain its sweet, sweet stuffing.

Putting the pieces in place.

Presumably, the whole time I was going crazy trying to sew it up my mom saw me as an insane child whom keeps doing what seems to be rather spontaneous things. What would take anyone else who probably has a better background in ensuring pieces of felt were held together with thread a moment to do took a few hours till eventually my little Panda saw the light of life.

Final leg not sewn in yet as more stuffing had to be put in.

It took quite a bit of effort but I was so incredibly glad that , one , I managed to do it and, two, the receiver of the gift was very happy to receive it.

Then there was also the time last year I took up boxing. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures but to be honest it was daunting. I was just thrown in like all the others who's been there for a long time and it was a little scary to train with them. Plus at the time my stamina was just about a step below that of a dead fish which made it really hard to even just survive the 2 hours of try-to-not-get-punched-in-the-face.

A philosophy I was unable to accomplish during one occasion which resulted in a slightly bloody nose but all in all, it was fun. In retrospect I'm glad to have learnt it and I still do practice it now and then as it really does teach you how to maximize the impact of a punch.

Craft is something I was never very good at so I decided to try my best and make different things for different people throughout the year.

Made a book from scratch which took a long time and a couple of iterations.

 
My first pop up card. This picture was taken before I added more flourish to it like words and little leaves. 
 
Pop-up Angry Birds angel. Why? More like why not!

 
Pop up cross and angel with trumpet. The end product had a bible verse on the yellow box with silver writing for the card itself.

Learning origami.

And there were a couple of other things. It really did make me interested in making more craft-related things except that, unfortunately, stationary here is way too expensive and all my tools are back home. Nevertheless, it'll only be a small hiatus as i'll bring what I can from Malaysia when I'm made to come back to England for my 4th year.

Cooking was always a mystery for me and things started off while I was still in Malaysia when a friend was kind enough to invite me to a baking class:

Macaroons, ohhhhhh yeaaaaahhh.

Plus living alone, and the forced independence has resulted in me learning to cook/bake a few other dishes. I'll admit, they're all simple things but at the very least, I'm still alive.

Speaking of coming to England, my time here has thus far shown me that I am not to bad at using a small-bore rifle. Learning to fire a real gun has been fun. And as of tomorrow, I'll be gong for Wing Chun classes (ala Ip Man).

There are other things but I suppose my point is this: If there's something you want to learn, then go for it. Some of you might have the free time to be more committed and some of you might not, but there's always time to learn something new. It can be scary, it can be tedious and sometimes, it could just results in failure but don't give up. There's still at least a modicum of joy that can be procured even in defeat. Even if it's just the solace of "at least I tried my best).

Besides, what's the worst that can happen?
Also, one final thing: I recently tried learning one of Sung-Ha Jung's guitar covers (that kid on Youtube who plays the guitar so well it makes me look like a monkey) for a friend and here's the result: 

There's still a lot of room for improvement but the point is to try.

Kuhanesh

 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ~ 2 Timothy 4:7

Those who know me probably know I'm not much of a runner. I just can't profess to find it that interesting if I'm honest. The act of running, while peaceful, just doesn't fully appeal to me though I still do it every now and then even when I don't feel like it to help with my stamina and to fulfill a sense of accomplishment at having done some semblance of a cardiovascular exercise. I suppose that's part of my problem, I'd do it to a small degree and then somehow logically justify what I've done is enough when I know that it's not. The sum of its parts did not amount to something synergistic. 

This went on for a few years, mostly since I started Form 6 in 2006 and it culminated in me being noticeably heavier and a lot less fit then I was from when I was in high school. Sure I played basketball once or twice a week but I still lazed around a whole lot and wasn't overly wise about the amount of calories I was ingesting on a daily basis. I like to think of myself as a logical guy but the problem is that something faulty will, in itself, not realize where the fault is or in my case, I use my rationality to trick myself into believing there was never anything wrong to begin with. 

It's tough to change but a year ago I decided that enough was enough. I forced myself to undergo a rather tight regime of constant exercise. Furthermore, for the first 3 months, my daily meals was cut down to a light breakfast, lunch consisting of equal parts carbs and vege with 2 parts protein and salad for dinner. Do I hate vegetables? Yes. It took a lot of determination to keep it up; especially on days when I come back home hungry and tired , expecting a big meal only to be reminded that a few leafy products were all I had to satiate my appetite. Well, on the bright side I did have 2 digestive biscuits and a glass of milk before I slept every night.

Allow me to reiterate: It's tough to change. It's even tougher when I had a lot of people telling me what I was doing was a little crazy. 2 hours of boxing one night followed by 2 hours of basketball the next? Why should I bother? I did see where they were coming from and seeing as how I have a very strong history of overextending myself, I knew they said it mostly as a way to keep me grounded and also because when I insisted that my BMI wasn't exactly healthy, they disagreed. Now this just made things a whole lot tougher; there were countless days where I'd just have negative thoughts running through my head telling myself to quit as what everyone was saying was right.

Fortunately, there were a lot of factors keeping me going too. Not the least of which is the fact that I'm just, frankly, stubborn. A few close friends encouraged me often as they too were doing something similar which required a lot of discipline and thus we did check in on one another every now and then and celebrated milestones no matter how small they were. 

"Dude you lifted that extra few kilograms? Sweet!" *enthusiastic high five*

There were also other motivations which at the time kept me going a bit but it falls within the realm of things that a prudent person should not share over the world wide web. Or 'Internet' as the kids call it nowadays.

My family was incredibly supportive. My mom was more than happy to help by actually making meals based on my persnickety attitude. Plus Sheba would always lie down nearby when I was just exercising in my own room, which was actually , in retrospect, a lot more encouraging than I'd care to admit. That dog really knows how to tug at my heartstrings. Plus it was nice to have her barking enthusiastically with her tail wagging like a flag caught in the wind whenever I got home from a jog or from the gym.

I guess my point is that going from the way I looked like before (left) to now (right) wouldn't have been possible if I didn't kept on at it regardless of how irrational it seemed at the time.

One year and 12 kgs lighter later.

Then I arrived here and the difficulty of carrying on just escalated exponentially. There's no luxury of coming home to a healthy home cooked meal; free time to plan my exercising around; the people that have always kept me grounded and to help me de-stress on particularly challenging days and well, any sort of motivation whatsoever. Going to the gym means having to wake up at 6am and walking in the dark at 7am to work out before class starts. Eating healthy means not resorting to frozen meals and taking the effort to make a decent meal after a long day of work and when all I want to do is plop down on my bed and watch some TV shows.

It's been half a year and I still find trying to balance it all a huge challenge. Sports, games, books, movies, relationships, studies and the occasional 'putting everything on halt to do something for someone'. 

But even as I've talked about it being like a race at the start, I should stress that I do not mean this in a pure physical sense. Spiritually, the amount of perseverance I need makes the past one year of exercise and discipline look about as tough as clapping my hands. 

*demonstrates clapping to illustrate point*

The challenge makes me feel like buckling to my knees at time. It makes me question myself and the way I traditionally handle things and doubt myself. Right now it feels like that part in a race where you stumble and realize how far you've gone. It's a sweeping thought of accomplishment but then it dawns on to you that there's still an incredibly long way left to go. There's still so much left to do and it can be overwhelming especially once you start losing sight and being doubting. So the question remains: Do you stay down or hobble along? Isaiah mentions soaring on wings like eagles when we put our faith in the Lord but I'd be deceiving myself if I looked at things as being smooth perpetually without any bumps. It's a time when I need to remind myself of the benefit of not giving up. Of looking through the fog when it seems more comfortable to just sit down and be content with where I am. 

I don't know if any of you are currently going through tough times but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I'm sure you all know what it's like to hit a barrier. To feel lost even amidst familiarity. It can seem like the best way to handle things is to avoid thinking about it or to just ride it come what may. But therein lies the test of true will and strength. Anyone can get up and brush themselves off when things are fine and dandy but to do it when you're down and while against the currant? That's something else. Solace should be taken in the fact that while these things can be downright impossible on our own, the truth of the matter is that we have God guiding us with his hands.

Though deepest trouble I may face,
Lord guide me with wisdom and grace
Thus come what may,
I'm still able to say,
"Yes, I have finished the race."

Kuhanesh 

Happy New Year everyone! 

It's 2012! Will the world end this year? Of course not, don't be foolish. The chances of that occurring is about similar to the chances of me obliterating entire cities with a blink. Now, onward for science:

*blink*

Nope, nothing. So yes, the world will live do die another day. There's a James Bond reference for you.

Taking a trip to Edinburgh and Sheffield over the short Christmas break only serves to remind me of some of the things, or rather, people, I wish I had with me here in Southampton. There's something about the conditions I find myself in right now that has rendered me even less productive than I usually tend to be in my studies which is as far as ideal from possible as my finals this year is quite possibly the most important one I'm going to take as a medical student in the next 3 years.

Right now what I need is to buck up and persevere in studying. It's tougher as I don't have the same 'library gang' as I did in IMU and neither do I have the same crazy group of people to play basketball with weekly as means to keep myself calm (mostly due to the massive bouts of laughter that permeates each game). Furthermore, I really did wish I had the opportunity to have gone back to Malaysia during the Christmas break as there are a few people in particular whom I would have loved to meet up with.

Yet the mantra still remains : Persevere. I just need to hang on for another 7 months or so before I'm able to return home for a short break wherein I devour every single Malaysian dish possible while also exporting an inordinate amount to the UK to combat the lack of flavour encountered here.

Regardless, class starts again tomorrow! I'll need to force myself to study somehow! 

Kuhanesh

The month long hiatus from postings mostly stemmed from my hope that somehow, a miraculous series of events would lead to someone reading the previous entry and this will subsequently lead to the 90s-movie-like discovery of Sheba as she goes around PJ in search for me. While I realize how improbable that sounds, for her sake I was willing to hold on to any hope, even if there's only a modicum of it left. 

Before switching gears, here's a video Li Teng reposted on the venerable social network site Facebook (you may have heard of this small, start up company) which served as a fun reminder of the things I was doing with friends a year ago even with the threat of our final exams looming:

I've been trying, with great difficulty, to properly encapsulate my thoughts on what life in England is like so far. In absolute terms, my situation is far from dire though much like a hiker discovering a flopping fish on the top of a mountain, I often find myself befuddled. It goes without saying that a significant amount of change is to be expected when moving to a new place, particularly when it is literally thousands of miles away. Now, within this fact lies the crux of my confabulation.

It seems to me that the change should be mostly within the confines of the things surrounding us in our new area yet all around me I see instances of people changing themselves. While I do appreciate the fact that certain personal changes have to be made (for example, I don't think it would be very appropriate of me to order one drink in a restaurant and sit there for hours, just idly chatting with a friend.) I honestly fail to see why one would change their entire character on a geographical basis. Personally I do think that there's a level of personal identity which we all should strive to maintain. Or at least, the positive bits of our personal identity. While shocking wouldn't be the most appropriate word I'd use, I would say there is a certain amount of unexpectedness associated with seeing people transiently behave differently based on the people that surround them.

I certainly do find being completely myself a challenge in the last 3 months. There has been a multitude of opportunities to participate in doing things that are perhaps not usually things I'd associate with myself. This is slightly compounded by the fact that I'm now not regularly within circumstances that keeps me grounded (the people I meet in my weekly basketball sessions, CF, etc.) I do find that spending time with God is indeed the best way to avoid being, for a lack of better word, disillusioned.

Am I a different person now? I hope not. While I'd like to think that I'm not , I am aware that change in a person usually happens without said person actually knowing about it (barring any conscious decision) and as such, I'd be the last person to notice if I suddenly started being a person whom my old friends would struggle to identify. 

Back to my point: It actually saddens me to an extent to see people acting so differently. While psychology says that this is because we all wear masks; masks which helps us to be someone else for our own tacit fear of who we are, I never did subscribe to that explanation. I know I've told people a number of people this before but I do think that no one ever does things for no reason. There's a kernel of thought and , upon great scrutiny, a reason which forms the core cause of every decision. Add in the fact that no action can be done without there being some sort of prior decision made and what you have is the truth: There's no abstract 'mask' covering our faces. That just serves to justify us being people that contradicts the way we were. No, it just means we're easily swayed. 

"Jangan jadi lalang, terlontok-lontok ditiup angin." goes the beautiful Malay saying which tells us to not be like the tall grass which bends and sways in the direction the wind pushes it in. 

While this post isn't aimed at any one person in particular, if anyone reading this does feel insulted in any way, I do apologize. Though having said that, perhaps there's a reason you feel that way? Now is a good a time as any to reflect on the way we choose to lead our lives and as always, prayer helps. Do not compromise yourselves no matter what the majority of people say. There's only one Truth out there and if you're struggling with what that is, do contact me. We'll have a nice chat about it.

Kuhanesh